My Horrible Dream

I had a really bad dream last night...

In my dream I was driving in the van with Anthony and Garrison. I was going to some sort of fair or farmers market and I was having a hard time finding a parking spot. I finally came to this dead end street that was fairly close to where I wanted to be; there were no marked parking spots, but there were other cars parked there so I figured it was ok. Kind of around the dead end there was water. In some spots there were big rocks blocking the way, but the area that had room for parking was right on the edge of the water. I just figured the water wasn't very deep. I started backing in. I tried to hit the breaks before I got to far, but the van started rolling into the water. Only a few feet in there was a huge drop off. I tried to stop the van, but I couldn't. In my dream I must have blacked out or something because I woke up and there was no water in the van, but the sides of the van were actually bowed in because of the water pressure. I knew that it wouldn't be long before the van would be filled with water; and even though it seemed impossible I was going to try to get my children out of there. I started to unbuckle them. I remember they put their little arms around me with such trust because they felt like Mommy would take care of them. I knew the minute I opened the van door a wall of water would hit us with full force, and because of how much pressure the van had on it we must be down really far. I, of course was praying to God to help us to somehow get out of the situation safely, but realistically I didn't really think it was possible and here my little children had such faith in me. That's when I woke up.

Even though it was just a dream it really shook me up and I couldn't go back to sleep for quite awhile. I thought of how trusting my little children were that Mommy would make everything ok; when it was Mommy who had gotten them into the situation in the first place. I really shouldn't have tried to park in such a place. And there I was praying to God to get me out of the horrible situation that I had gotten us into.

I thought about how in real life our children look to us for guidance. They may not consciously think it, but they expect Mommy to take care of them and be the right example and make the right choices in their lives. If I'm completely honest with myself I know that I'm not living the Faith to the best of my ability. In the dream I knew that parking spot was not the smartest choice, but it was the easiest; and I really didn't think it was THAT bad. There's a Bible verse, I don't know If I'm quoting it exactly, but it says: "Pay a more earnest head to that which you have heard, lest at any time you should let them slip". I am, knowingly, letting things slip because I try to tell myself it's not THAT big of a deal. I'm not doing any horribly bad things, but I know I'm not trying as hard as I can; I'm trying to be lazy about living the Faith and taking the easy way. I believe that God sent me this dream to remind me that in taking the easy way I might go too far before I can stop myself, and endanger my soul and those of my children.

As I lay awake after the dream I thought of all the regrets I would have if my life ended. All the things I knew I could have done better.

I'm glad that God sent me this "wake-up call". I really need your prayers that I could really get in there and live the faith the way I know I should be. I'm afraid that if my children continue to live with a mother who doesn't live the way she really should, that they will never grow up to live the Faith the way they should; or possibly never live the Faith at all