Just Getting By

Yesterday we had a pretty good meeting (and had a nice time afterwards at Bro. Sean & Sis. Marisela's). Bro. Lee preached about not holding back and giving your all to living the Faith. Bro. Bill got up and talked about partaking of the Lord's supper and how we should be partaking of the Lord's body and blood everyday. Bro. Sean got up got real blunt with all of us. I'm glad he did too. I know that at least for me it was something that I needed to hear put that bluntly.

He said he remembered when he lived here before and the young kids spent a lot of time together. They were always looking for reasons to spend time together. He said they didn't get to spend everyday together, but they always wanted to. He said how the brethren here really don't spend a lot of time together. We all go about our own lives. It's really easy to just stay home and relax. He was basically saying that we needed to have such a desire to be together that we would find ways to make it happen.

I know that Matt and I fail in this also. We do have people over for dinner fairly often (though we've only just recently picked back up on that). And most Sunday's we spend with the brethren, but it's been a looooong time since we've just decided to go visit somebody some evening.

Another thing that was mentioned a couple times was fasting. It's been quite awhile since I've fasted. Sometimes I see how I struggle in certain areas and think about how I ought to fast about it, but I don't do it. I really want to try to fast more often.

I've also been examining myself and today I've really looked in the mirror and seen one especially glaring fault. I do what I have to do to get by. I don't put all my effort into living the faith or even taking care of my family. I was visiting with the brethren yesterday and told them how my sister Wenona is a really especially good mother, and Alicia is a really hard worker and I'm just mediocre at both things. I know I could do better at living the faith, keeping my house clean, taking care of my children, being a wife; really at everything, but mostly I just do what I feel like I need to do so that I can just squeak by with the minimal amount of effort, so that people will still think well of me. I know some of you may be thinking that this can't possible be that bad, but it really is and I need prayers that I can put my best effort forth. I can remember in school I wasn't very popular with the kids; so I liked to be on the good side of the teachers. I did well enough at school so that my teachers would think well of me, but I didn't work my hardest. I really think I could have gotten straight A's if I'd tried my best, but I didn't. Today I have really seen how this is how I live my whole life. It's just horrible! I really need prayers that I can overcome my slothful nature and do my best at all I do. I know that my life and that of my family and those around me would be better if I put forth more of an effort.

Before Bro. Lee and Sis. Cherrie moved here he received a prophesy. Even though it was for him I believe it was something the whole assembly here needed to hear. I don't remember all of it, but I do remember that it said that the truth would be preached in this part and we would be a haven for the brethren. I think this is a wonderful promise, but I can see where if we don't all put forth our best efforts God's plan for this assembly could fail. I really, really, really want to do my part, and not Just Get By; because really just getting by is really not getting by at all.

My Horrible Dream

I had a really bad dream last night...

In my dream I was driving in the van with Anthony and Garrison. I was going to some sort of fair or farmers market and I was having a hard time finding a parking spot. I finally came to this dead end street that was fairly close to where I wanted to be; there were no marked parking spots, but there were other cars parked there so I figured it was ok. Kind of around the dead end there was water. In some spots there were big rocks blocking the way, but the area that had room for parking was right on the edge of the water. I just figured the water wasn't very deep. I started backing in. I tried to hit the breaks before I got to far, but the van started rolling into the water. Only a few feet in there was a huge drop off. I tried to stop the van, but I couldn't. In my dream I must have blacked out or something because I woke up and there was no water in the van, but the sides of the van were actually bowed in because of the water pressure. I knew that it wouldn't be long before the van would be filled with water; and even though it seemed impossible I was going to try to get my children out of there. I started to unbuckle them. I remember they put their little arms around me with such trust because they felt like Mommy would take care of them. I knew the minute I opened the van door a wall of water would hit us with full force, and because of how much pressure the van had on it we must be down really far. I, of course was praying to God to help us to somehow get out of the situation safely, but realistically I didn't really think it was possible and here my little children had such faith in me. That's when I woke up.

Even though it was just a dream it really shook me up and I couldn't go back to sleep for quite awhile. I thought of how trusting my little children were that Mommy would make everything ok; when it was Mommy who had gotten them into the situation in the first place. I really shouldn't have tried to park in such a place. And there I was praying to God to get me out of the horrible situation that I had gotten us into.

I thought about how in real life our children look to us for guidance. They may not consciously think it, but they expect Mommy to take care of them and be the right example and make the right choices in their lives. If I'm completely honest with myself I know that I'm not living the Faith to the best of my ability. In the dream I knew that parking spot was not the smartest choice, but it was the easiest; and I really didn't think it was THAT bad. There's a Bible verse, I don't know If I'm quoting it exactly, but it says: "Pay a more earnest head to that which you have heard, lest at any time you should let them slip". I am, knowingly, letting things slip because I try to tell myself it's not THAT big of a deal. I'm not doing any horribly bad things, but I know I'm not trying as hard as I can; I'm trying to be lazy about living the Faith and taking the easy way. I believe that God sent me this dream to remind me that in taking the easy way I might go too far before I can stop myself, and endanger my soul and those of my children.

As I lay awake after the dream I thought of all the regrets I would have if my life ended. All the things I knew I could have done better.

I'm glad that God sent me this "wake-up call". I really need your prayers that I could really get in there and live the faith the way I know I should be. I'm afraid that if my children continue to live with a mother who doesn't live the way she really should, that they will never grow up to live the Faith the way they should; or possibly never live the Faith at all

Resolutions

I have debated about whether or not to post these, but I thought that if I put them on here; it might make me more motivated to work on these things. So here goes...

1. Stop being selfish. This is the one thing I can see that I need the most work on. There's a lot of things I can see in my life that need improvement and a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am a selfish person. This is a hard fact for me to admit, but believe me, it's true. There's a lot of aspects in my life that will get better if I stop having a "what's in it for me" attitude and just do things with an unselfish and willing heart. I really need prayers with this one.

2. Get closer to God. I know that I'm not nearly as close to the Lord as I need to; or even as close as I have been before. I want to get back to the relationship I once had with him where I could have conversations with him; and even say a little prayer for guidance and know what the Lord wants of me almost immediately. Sometimes I feel like I'm just floundering, not really sure how the Lord wants me to go about my life.

3. Get closer to my husband. I feel like Matt and I have a pretty good relationship, but lately things have been a little strained. We're not having major marital problems, mind you; but I can see where if we don't start repairing it when it's a little off, we could blink our eyes one day and wonder how our marriage got so horrible. however I think that if I can get the first 2 resolutions figured out this one will follow pretty easy.

4. Lose 15 lbs. This one is not nearly as important as the other 3, but I would really love to lose that extra 15 lbs. Last year I wanted to lose 20 lbs, but only lost 15. If I can lose 15 more I'll be right where I want to be.

There are so many other things I need to work on, but if I can fulfill these ones my life will be so much better; and I believe that so many aspects of my life will be affected by them.

This has been a little hard for me because I want everyone to believe that I am the perfect person with the perfect life (like they really believe that anyway), but the truth is I feel like I am so much worse than I feel like people perceive me. I see so many people that seem to have their life so much more together than I do. I really need help in these things and I would like the support and prayers of my blogging buddies. Thank you all very much!

Shut-up!

I really don't like that word, and I especially don't want my children to say it. It just sounds really rude to me. Now I say this, but the other day I got mad at my kids who were all screaming at once and I yelled at them to all shut-up! Well they did! But every since that day my 2 year old has caught on to that one word and now it seems to be his favorite word. As far as I can remember it's the only time I ever said that word to them. So now I have the problem of trying to teach my 2 year old to not say a word that he heard mommy say; and she said it very loudly too! This is what I get for letting my anger get the best of me. Why couldn't I have just said be quiet like I usually do?

Well, there you have it, the confessions of a young mother!